Funny Birthday Jokes/joke -Funny Happy Birthday jokes

thank you

2010-11-09T11:43:00.004-08:00

Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?
Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

VCP

2010-11-09T11:43:00.003-08:00

Man l: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday"
Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"
Man 1: "No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!"

surprise you

2010-11-09T11:43:00.002-08:00

BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

son's birthday party

2010-11-09T11:43:00.001-08:00

A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, "Hello." "Are you the game warden?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Finally Ah've got the right person!" she said. "Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?"

spit out the plate

2010-11-09T11:43:00.000-08:00

"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."
"Maybe you should spit out the plate!

A stole.

2010-11-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.

Happy one

2010-11-09T11:39:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the flag's birthday? It was a Happy one!

anniversary of the hole

2010-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman. "Is it the foreman's birthday?" asked Brendan.

"No, Brendan. It's the third anniversary of the hole."

0 to 200

2010-11-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

A little surprise

2010-11-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Present

2010-11-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

You didn't use.

2010-11-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

How old is your wife

2010-11-09T04:08:00.000-08:00

How old is your wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?

Two Drops of Water

2010-11-09T03:50:00.000-08:00

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, “It’s my birthday today and
I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, “I guess I should
buy you a drink too.”

The 80 year-old woman says, “Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water.”

“Alright” says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “Since I’m the only one
around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too.”

The old woman says, “Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water.”

“Comin’ right up” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?”

The woman replies, “Sonny, you learn that when you’re my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water!”

I wasn't planning on spending that much

2010-11-09T02:19:00.000-08:00

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

USE

2010-10-01T02:43:00.001-07:00

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

DRESS SIZE

2010-10-01T02:41:00.000-07:00

The man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

100th birthday jokes

2010-10-01T02:39:00.000-07:00

It was Grandpa Bob's 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health.

At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

shellabrates

2009-04-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates!

miscellaneous 3

2009-04-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

What is the left side of a birthday cake?
The side that's not eaten.

Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!

Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A. Angel food cake!

What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

miscellaneous 2

2009-04-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

What does a clam do on his birthday?
He shellabrates!

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Miscellaneous

2009-04-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. - John Mason

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!

he likes it!

2009-04-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Why are you crying????

2009-04-12T04:31:00.000-07:00

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked.
'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.

'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'

'Because I'm lost!'

I'll be surprised!

2009-04-11T04:29:00.000-07:00

"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"

"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"

bone-china

2009-04-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday.
How lovely!
Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up.
Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

job interview in an office

2009-04-10T04:43:00.000-07:00

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

What would you most like for your birthday?

2009-03-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Something with diamonds

2009-03-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Artificial intelligence

2009-03-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.

Questions and Answers

2009-03-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Q. Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?
A. It was his berth-day.

A woman 30 years younger.

2009-03-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.
Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe.
The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, “Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

It's still better than sixty

2009-03-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

Not looking forward to fifty?
And suggestions to get a face lift? We
Should not be obtuse
You don't need the abuse.
Anyway, it's still better than sixty.

Gynecologist

2009-03-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

“I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!”

Greatest thing I've heard all day

2009-03-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

Born on holidays

2009-03-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Q. What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A. They were all born on holidays.

A puppy.

2009-03-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."